How To Maintain Friendships
When You’re Sick!


Published  Exclusively For Mayo Clinic Connect
By Daniel Prins on 12/28/2019

 

THE IMPACT OF CHRONIC ILLNESS on friendships can be profound!!!
A bad diagnosis is a litmus test for relationships, and everyone experiences surprises. We believe that our friends will be supportive in crisis, but we learn
this may or may not be true. Meanwhile, people we barely know become faithful and important friends.
Everyone is scared of illness, and some of our friends just can’t manage their own fears in order to support you. It is very upsetting when a dear friend never calls after learning of your diagnosis!
It is distressing when someone turns away after spotting you in a crowd . It is terrible when an old friend suddenly stops your regular routines.
You don’t have to forgive these behaviors, but it is important to understand them and remind yourself that your friends’ absences are about them, not you.  
It is your decision whether a friendship is important enough to save. If so, you likely will have to say something like: “I have missed you. Can we meet for coffee or lunch?” 
At that meeting, try not to be angry, but do express your disappointment. Blame will not help, but your honesty and vulnerability may enable your friend to respond in kind. If that doesn’t happen, you won’t later regret a lack of effort to save the friendship.
Fortunately, these vanishing folks are the exception. Most people will extend themselves to help you, and you likely will feel surrounded by warm affection.
Here are some suggestions for keeping up with those friends who embrace you after a cancer diagnosis:
1) Ask one trusted person in each of your social groups—at your school, workplace, church or temple—to be the point person for sharing information about you with others. This friend can also convey whether you want visitors, emails, phone calls or just warm thoughts.
2) Consider setting up a website to update your friends and to organize needed help. Examples include     
​3) You do not have to divulge any information that you would prefer to keep private. It is fine to say: “I would rather not talk about that.”
4) Think carefully about how and with whom you want to spend your time and energy. Some friends can quietly keep you company during treatment or hospitalization while others may be better suited to bringing you a coffee and a chocolate croissant every Tuesday morning. Someone else may be your go-to friend for a night at the movies when you want to have fun.
5) You are excused from writing thank-you notes for the duration of your health edisode. Saying “thank you” will suffice.
6) Pay attention to your friends’ behaviors and words. They may want to hear about your treatments but not be comfortable listening to your intense feelings. You need different people for different conversations.
7) Be open to new friends. No one “gets it” quite like another patient. Talk to people in the waiting room or the infusion area. Consider joining a support group. Keep in mind: Your illness buddies may become some of your dearest friends.
WHAT I DO TO HELP MYSELF
I manage ‘friend retention action plan’ in 2 ways:

1. I have created an automatic online AUDIO and VIDEO message system with an included recording option. My friends send me best wishes and refer the program to others. This keeps my interaction with friends at an optimum!!

2. I have also developed a number of interactive hobby programs with which I created new User Groups. This, again, builds interaction with folks who share my interests.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
How have friends reacted to your injury?
How do you combat the isolation?
How do you ‘stay in the game?’